calm
with a poker face on
- that's how i wish i could be
somehow,
standing still
just isn't the same
as the wind rushes by me, with all the words
i can't speak
thoughts that are born
and die
in the same breath
and then, the ones that i have no control over.....
calm
with a poker face on
as you walk by me
and in my head,
we dance.
Monday, June 30, 2008
Saturday, June 14, 2008
an interview on immigration
- Why did you immigrate to the United States?
Most of my extended family was already here and my parents wanted my sisters and I to have the best opportunities. (I have two younger sisters, Sarah who is 22 and Daphne who is 15)
2. Which country did you immigrate from?
Cebu, Philippines
3. Did your family come with you?
Not exactly. My sister and I (I was 10 and she was 6 when we came to the US) were left in Philippines while our parents worked here in the US to save up so that they can send for us.
4. What was your native language?
Tagalog and Visaya (two dialects in Philippines)
5. What was your life like when you lived in your native country?
It was simple. I can’t really explain how but it seemed a lot slower and easier.
What did you eat?
A lot of rice, fish, pork..same as what I would eat here. The only type of food I really miss because I cant have them here are the exotic fruits (they only grow in that hot climate)
What were your daily activities?
I went to school, helped my nanny (she was in charge while our parents were in the US), did my chores.
What was your occupation?
I was a student. I left when I was in third grade.
If you were a child, what was school like?
Short! I only went for half a day but that is also because we started school so young (I went to two kindergartens!). School there was also really hard..we learned to read English and write in script in the first grade.
6. Durring the time you immigrated, what was your country like?
It was pretty much in the same political climate as it is now. It’s a third-world country so there are a lot of corrupt policies, unemployment, etc. When I returned in 2006, the biggest change was transportation and the expansion of the city into the suburbs.
7. How old were you/ how long ago did you immigrate to this country?
I was ten, that was 15 years ago.
8. How did you feel about leaving home?
I honestly can’t remember knowing that I was leaving home. It felt to me like I went from one place to another without really realizing what I was doing (since most of the arrangements were handled by adults, we were pretty much packed and shuttled off). I’m not even sure I can remember saying goodbye to my friends. I do remember being told in the weeks before we left how lucky I was to be leaving and being really confused about that.
9. What to you then, was the hardest part about leaving?
Not seeing familiar faces anymore (like my nanny and her family) and wondering what happened to them.
10. What did you want/ expect when you came to America?
I was looking forward to getting to know my parents, since I was very young when they left and for a long time, I only knew their voices.
11. Map out your journey, where did you stop, how long did it take?
My aunt and my sister were with me, we left our little island called Cebu in Philippines for the big city, Manila, on a passenger boat (like a ferry but you slept on it too). Then we boarded a plane to Seoul, South Korea (I think it was a 16 hour plane ride). From Seoul we flew to JFK (that was a 30 hour plane ride).
12. What did you think when you first saw America?
How cold it was! We came in March so it was still chilly.
13. Did you like living here or did you REALLY want to go home?
For the first few weeks, it was strange so I wanted to go home and I remember wishing I was back at school, practicing my handwriting. After awhile, especially when I started school here, I learned to like it. The best part was being with my parents and being a family again.
14. What were your first priorites when you got here?
I didn’t really have any. I didn’t know what to expect.
15. What was your life like when you first came here?
Hard, in hindsight. We lived in a tiny apartment in Brooklyn with my grandmother. My little sister was born soon after we came so we had to fit a total of 6 people in two bedrooms. My parents had to sleep in the living room, on a pull-out couch.
16. What did you like most about America and what did you not like at all.
I loved that the school I attended in Brooklyn had so many kids who were like me, recently immigrated, didn’t speak much English so we understood what the others were going through, even if we didn’t speak the same languages. I did not like that when we left our little neighborhood in Brooklyn, people looked at us and treated us differently because we didn’t speak English and because my parents had accents.
17. What is your life like now?
I think it resembles the life my parents wanted me to have— I graduated college with honors and am working hard in a job that appreciates my work. I live in my own apartment, pay my own bills and essentially, making my parents proud of the person I’ve become.
18.In one or two words, discribe what the total experiance of immigration was for you.
Scary and just the beginning of my life.
19. What was the process you had to go through to immigrate here?
It was a pretty long process that began even before my sister and I came to the U.S. We came on dependent visas and didn’t become permanent residents (what people call “green card holders”) until many years later.
Saturday, May 3, 2008
Philanthropy in the mountains
my dad went home to the Philippines recently and just came back this weekend. i have not seen him this happy in a long time. he got to do all the things he's dreamed of doing.
a funny thing happens to Filipinos when they go back home, no matter what kind of life they might live here, no matter how hard it may be, they spend richly and live like they've never had to break a sweat. it has a lot to do with being just happy to be away from the reality of life and living the fantasy that every man, woman and child in Philippines has about "going to America!" and coming home to your friends to prove that it's as good as everyone thinks it is.
it's especially prevalent in the older generation, to be a "balikbayan" (literal meaning: returning to country) is to save up and spend it home.
in any case, a true sign of times and the spread of philanthropy has finally reached even a small village in Ilocos Norte, where my dad is from. He went home for a mini-reunion in Pagudpud for their annual fiesta. the mayor, knowing that a contingent of balikbayans would be returning for this fiesta, prepared an invite-only dinner at his home. my dad received an invitation, so did his cousin from San Francisco. it's an honor to dine at the mayor's home especially when it's a lavish dinner with a select group of people. of course, my dad went. they had a lovely dinner, the mayor discussed his plans for the village and told them that they all were considered VIPs for the weekend-long fiesta.
during coffee and dessert, the mayor told them about the fiesta contests and the cash prizes involved. he then asked each of them to sponsor one of the contests and provide the cash prize. pretty smooth ask, no? my dad, feeling particularly philanthropic, gave his sponsorship then and there. In Philippine money, it equated to about $300 but went a long way for the winner.
i never saw my dad as a philanthropist until now but i'm pretty impressed that the mayor of a small town can get him to think along those lines. i can finally explain to him what i do for a living.
a funny thing happens to Filipinos when they go back home, no matter what kind of life they might live here, no matter how hard it may be, they spend richly and live like they've never had to break a sweat. it has a lot to do with being just happy to be away from the reality of life and living the fantasy that every man, woman and child in Philippines has about "going to America!" and coming home to your friends to prove that it's as good as everyone thinks it is.
it's especially prevalent in the older generation, to be a "balikbayan" (literal meaning: returning to country) is to save up and spend it home.
in any case, a true sign of times and the spread of philanthropy has finally reached even a small village in Ilocos Norte, where my dad is from. He went home for a mini-reunion in Pagudpud for their annual fiesta. the mayor, knowing that a contingent of balikbayans would be returning for this fiesta, prepared an invite-only dinner at his home. my dad received an invitation, so did his cousin from San Francisco. it's an honor to dine at the mayor's home especially when it's a lavish dinner with a select group of people. of course, my dad went. they had a lovely dinner, the mayor discussed his plans for the village and told them that they all were considered VIPs for the weekend-long fiesta.
during coffee and dessert, the mayor told them about the fiesta contests and the cash prizes involved. he then asked each of them to sponsor one of the contests and provide the cash prize. pretty smooth ask, no? my dad, feeling particularly philanthropic, gave his sponsorship then and there. In Philippine money, it equated to about $300 but went a long way for the winner.
i never saw my dad as a philanthropist until now but i'm pretty impressed that the mayor of a small town can get him to think along those lines. i can finally explain to him what i do for a living.
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
only tonight
today i realized how much i have become part of the problem at work. in my mission to focus only on the work i produce and on my clients, to keep my head down and chug along, i've managed to make a decision that reinforces what i've always said was a problem--favoritism and cliques.
i was asked to invite my account team to a fancy gala-- to fill ten seats-- and in the end, only eight of us confirmed. to fill the remaining seats, i asked my two closest friends at work.
in hindsight, and with the help of another friend, i could have offered the seats to the entire company. i could have done it in a way that didn't exclude people. i should have put more thought into it. instead, i focused on my work and willed this side business of filling seats to be done with as soon as possible. i was complacent.
it hurt someone's feelings. for them, i should have asked more questions.
given the timeframe that i had, i know there was no other way i would have done it. i wish i could say that i would have put more thought into it but i know that my nature wouldn't have allowed it. i did what i was asked to do, i always do.
so only tonight i'll focus on what i could have and should have done. tomorrow, lesson learned, i'll stand by my decision and face the consequences.
i was asked to invite my account team to a fancy gala-- to fill ten seats-- and in the end, only eight of us confirmed. to fill the remaining seats, i asked my two closest friends at work.
in hindsight, and with the help of another friend, i could have offered the seats to the entire company. i could have done it in a way that didn't exclude people. i should have put more thought into it. instead, i focused on my work and willed this side business of filling seats to be done with as soon as possible. i was complacent.
it hurt someone's feelings. for them, i should have asked more questions.
given the timeframe that i had, i know there was no other way i would have done it. i wish i could say that i would have put more thought into it but i know that my nature wouldn't have allowed it. i did what i was asked to do, i always do.
so only tonight i'll focus on what i could have and should have done. tomorrow, lesson learned, i'll stand by my decision and face the consequences.
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
my goddaughter
A toast for Juliana 4.20.2008First, we want to thank Lucy and John for the honor and priviledge of being Juliana’s god parents. We promise you that we will look after her and love her like she was our own.
Thank you to everyone here who traveled near and far to celebrate this special day..one of many in Juliana’s life. And one of many where we’re sure to see each other again (so we hope you get really comfortable with each other now)
To you, our little guest of honor, a few words of promise from us. There are going to be so many (good-looking) faces to see and remember, and you’re too young now to even know that each face loves you.
We promise to be the two faces that remain constant in your world. Smiling, always for you.
D: I promise to be there to give you boy advice…when you’re 21, right John?
M: I’m there to let you know you don’t need them. They won’t deserve you.
In your most exciting moments to the ones where you are so sad, it hurts, just know that you have your Uncle Mikey and Aunt Divine to scream with, cry to and laugh with. May you have more good days than bad, with the grace of God. Cheers.
Sunday, April 6, 2008
visual poetry
there is something about the following e.e. cummings poem that will
never leave my mind's eye.
somewhere i have never travelled,gladly beyond
any experience,your eyes have their silence:
in your most frail gesture are things which enclose me,
or which i cannot touch because they are too near
your slightest look easily will unclose me
though i have closed myself as fingers,
you open always petal by petal myself as Spring opens
(touching skilfully,mysteriously) her first rose
or if your wish be to close me,i and
my life will shut very beautifully, suddenly,
as when the heart of this flower imagines
the snow carefully everywhere descending;
nothing which we are to perceive in this world equals
the power of your intense fragility: whose texture
compels me with the color of its countries,
rendering death and forever with each breathing
(i do not know what it is about you that closes
and opens; only something in me understands
the voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses)
nobody,not even the rain, has such small hands
it's such a sad, beautiful poem. for a long time, i believed that this is what love
really was like-- silent, powerful and ultimately unfulfilled. this poem hung on my wall in
college after it was given to me by someone and it continues to affect me each time i read it.
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
the speech
in 2004, i was asked to give a speech at my college's annual scholarship fundraising dinner. i remember getting the call in my dorm room, i was at my computer surrounded by books and articles, knee-deep in my senior thesis. i hung up and wondered what i had gotten myself into. but i remember thinking, "it's only April. the speech is in June. worry about it later." the night before graduation, i wrote the speech. it changed my life.
fast forward to June: it was my second day as an intern reporter at the Staten Island Advance and i found myself in front of 300 people at the Plaza Hotel, publicly thanking the people who had helped fund my education.
my colleagues know this part of the story: following my speech, the chairman of my company introduced himself, gave me his card and told me that i was hired. in his words, "you have a job at my company, no resume required." i thought he was nuts. i thanked him politely and said that i wanted to be a reporter. he asked me to visit the offices and check out the company so i saved his card, just in case. later that year, i came to visit and, indeed, there was a job for me. he was not nuts afterall, he meant every word he said.
i almost lost the infamous speech. i found it last year, the original copy that i used that night, folded into quarters, enormous font and "pauses" in italics to remind me to look up. before i lose it again, i'm posting it here for posterity.
May 2004
Good evening. I am extremely honored to be among such a distinguished group of people.
Four years ago, I was a senior in high school, praying for a miracle, for someone to give me the opportunity to go to college. My parents were just coming out of bankruptcy and I was not qualified for financial aid. My best option was to attend community college for two years and work to save enough money to study for my Bachelor's degree.
With this weight on my shoulders, I received a letter from the College of Mt. St. Vincent awarding me the Corazon Aquino scholarship, a full tuition scholarship given to the Filipino-American with the highest all-around high school academic performance. I would not be here right now, honored to be able to share with all of you my appreciation for what the Mount has done for me, if I had not received that letter.
My childhood was spent without my parents. They were already here, in the United States, working to give my sister and me the American Dream. And when we got here, they realized that merely being here was not enough. A college education was their one wish for me and at point in their lives, it was the one wish they could not grant.
It's amazing how, in hindsight, I realize that one seemingly inconsequential piece of paper can possess the power of changing the course of a person's life. Since that day, however, the Mount has not stopped providing me with opportunities that have changed the course of my life.
I am sure we all know, or at least have heard, the words of our school's motto. But the motto of the College of Mt. St. Vincent has become very important to me.
"Teach me goodness, discipline and knowledge."
These words have become words by which I live my life. These words inspire me to be better than what I ever thought I could be. As soon as I set my feet within the gates of the Mount somehow I knew that these words, just like that scholarship letter, had the possibility of affecting my entire world.
Goodness. We have known this word since we were children. Our parents taught us how to be good. We aspire to be good people. But goodness was not truly evident to me until I saw it at the Mount. Everyone in New York City saw goodness on that infamous Sept. 11th day. I saw it at the Mount. Like second nature, when the Twin Towers fell, students gathered and made their way to every blood center ready to give their own blood to save lives. I saw students that have never spoken a word to each other hug and whisper words of consolation. I saw our residents sign up to give up their beds for the night for our stranded commuters.
The year after that, I became a Resident Assistant and saw firsthand the power of 25 young people who take the risk to care about ordinary, mundane human catastrophies: people who gave up one night a week, one weekend a month and (unofficially) their entire social lives, to be part of something that makes the Mount a better place to live. I have yet to see a better example of sacrifice than that of a RA on duty, with a final exam or paper due the next day, listening to a student wallow in their sorrow after a breakup with a significant other.
Discipline...was probably the hardest word to learn. Only because when I started college, again like many others, I had none. Being a RA helped tremendously, but I would be lying if I said that I mastered discipline. The environment at the Mount makes it necessary for every student to take ownership of their actions. Gone are the days when ignoring a problem or issue would actually make it go away. Having to balance the RA schedule with schoolwork was enough of a lesson in discipline to make me realize that I really did have to grow up in college.
At the Mount, I learned that whatever I do will come back to me. And make its way among several other layers, just as it does in the "real world." However, at the Mount, there will always be someone who will wonder where you are if they don't see you around for a long time, there will always be someone who will try to figure out what is wrong if you don't look happy, there will always be someone who will worry about you.
Knowledge...is not just what we take out of the books we read or the classes we attend. Knowledge goes beyond what we learn in school. In time, it becomes wisdom, the trait learned only after you've fallen and had to get back up. The teachers at the Mount dedicate their lives to teaching their students not only to gain knowledge but also to find strength to learn wisdom. Through them, I learned that strength does not come from power but from kindness. Teachers like Sr. Anne Denise Brennan or Sr. Pat McGowan, who exemplify wisdom through true kindness to their students.
Goodness, Discipline and Knowledge.
These three words are the reasons why the Mount is different from any other private, public, Catholic school or university. The motto, you see, typifies the people who are part of the College of Mt. St. Vincent community: the people who are there now, the people who were there in the years gone by, the lucky people who will be there in the future. I truly believe that each of their hearts go beyond what is expected, what is necessary. They truly care.
I know I speak for many graduates when I say that it takes all four years to learn and to begin to understand the intent behind these words. But once we get to this point, where every word means more than its initial meaning, we have already learned the most important thing of all. I believe a classmate, Christina Mesk, emphasized this in her senior speech two weeks ago. Christina said, "We will never leave the Mount. We take the Mount with us, along with the lessons that we learned, everywhere we go."
Yesterday, I started work as a reporting intern with the Staten Island Advance. There are not many people in this world who can say that they have become the person they always wanted to be. Since I was a little girl, all I've ever wanted to do was write. The Mount has helped me to achieve this goal. It's because of people like everyone in this room that I was given the opportunity that my parents wished they could have given me.
This is my one chance to thank you all-- my teachers, my administrators, and you generous individuals, who are the reason that I am standing up here today. Thank you all, from my parents. Thank you, from me.
fast forward to June: it was my second day as an intern reporter at the Staten Island Advance and i found myself in front of 300 people at the Plaza Hotel, publicly thanking the people who had helped fund my education.
my colleagues know this part of the story: following my speech, the chairman of my company introduced himself, gave me his card and told me that i was hired. in his words, "you have a job at my company, no resume required." i thought he was nuts. i thanked him politely and said that i wanted to be a reporter. he asked me to visit the offices and check out the company so i saved his card, just in case. later that year, i came to visit and, indeed, there was a job for me. he was not nuts afterall, he meant every word he said.
i almost lost the infamous speech. i found it last year, the original copy that i used that night, folded into quarters, enormous font and "pauses" in italics to remind me to look up. before i lose it again, i'm posting it here for posterity.
May 2004
Good evening. I am extremely honored to be among such a distinguished group of people.
Four years ago, I was a senior in high school, praying for a miracle, for someone to give me the opportunity to go to college. My parents were just coming out of bankruptcy and I was not qualified for financial aid. My best option was to attend community college for two years and work to save enough money to study for my Bachelor's degree.
With this weight on my shoulders, I received a letter from the College of Mt. St. Vincent awarding me the Corazon Aquino scholarship, a full tuition scholarship given to the Filipino-American with the highest all-around high school academic performance. I would not be here right now, honored to be able to share with all of you my appreciation for what the Mount has done for me, if I had not received that letter.
My childhood was spent without my parents. They were already here, in the United States, working to give my sister and me the American Dream. And when we got here, they realized that merely being here was not enough. A college education was their one wish for me and at point in their lives, it was the one wish they could not grant.
It's amazing how, in hindsight, I realize that one seemingly inconsequential piece of paper can possess the power of changing the course of a person's life. Since that day, however, the Mount has not stopped providing me with opportunities that have changed the course of my life.
I am sure we all know, or at least have heard, the words of our school's motto. But the motto of the College of Mt. St. Vincent has become very important to me.
"Teach me goodness, discipline and knowledge."
These words have become words by which I live my life. These words inspire me to be better than what I ever thought I could be. As soon as I set my feet within the gates of the Mount somehow I knew that these words, just like that scholarship letter, had the possibility of affecting my entire world.
Goodness. We have known this word since we were children. Our parents taught us how to be good. We aspire to be good people. But goodness was not truly evident to me until I saw it at the Mount. Everyone in New York City saw goodness on that infamous Sept. 11th day. I saw it at the Mount. Like second nature, when the Twin Towers fell, students gathered and made their way to every blood center ready to give their own blood to save lives. I saw students that have never spoken a word to each other hug and whisper words of consolation. I saw our residents sign up to give up their beds for the night for our stranded commuters.
The year after that, I became a Resident Assistant and saw firsthand the power of 25 young people who take the risk to care about ordinary, mundane human catastrophies: people who gave up one night a week, one weekend a month and (unofficially) their entire social lives, to be part of something that makes the Mount a better place to live. I have yet to see a better example of sacrifice than that of a RA on duty, with a final exam or paper due the next day, listening to a student wallow in their sorrow after a breakup with a significant other.
Discipline...was probably the hardest word to learn. Only because when I started college, again like many others, I had none. Being a RA helped tremendously, but I would be lying if I said that I mastered discipline. The environment at the Mount makes it necessary for every student to take ownership of their actions. Gone are the days when ignoring a problem or issue would actually make it go away. Having to balance the RA schedule with schoolwork was enough of a lesson in discipline to make me realize that I really did have to grow up in college.
At the Mount, I learned that whatever I do will come back to me. And make its way among several other layers, just as it does in the "real world." However, at the Mount, there will always be someone who will wonder where you are if they don't see you around for a long time, there will always be someone who will try to figure out what is wrong if you don't look happy, there will always be someone who will worry about you.
Knowledge...is not just what we take out of the books we read or the classes we attend. Knowledge goes beyond what we learn in school. In time, it becomes wisdom, the trait learned only after you've fallen and had to get back up. The teachers at the Mount dedicate their lives to teaching their students not only to gain knowledge but also to find strength to learn wisdom. Through them, I learned that strength does not come from power but from kindness. Teachers like Sr. Anne Denise Brennan or Sr. Pat McGowan, who exemplify wisdom through true kindness to their students.
Goodness, Discipline and Knowledge.
These three words are the reasons why the Mount is different from any other private, public, Catholic school or university. The motto, you see, typifies the people who are part of the College of Mt. St. Vincent community: the people who are there now, the people who were there in the years gone by, the lucky people who will be there in the future. I truly believe that each of their hearts go beyond what is expected, what is necessary. They truly care.
I know I speak for many graduates when I say that it takes all four years to learn and to begin to understand the intent behind these words. But once we get to this point, where every word means more than its initial meaning, we have already learned the most important thing of all. I believe a classmate, Christina Mesk, emphasized this in her senior speech two weeks ago. Christina said, "We will never leave the Mount. We take the Mount with us, along with the lessons that we learned, everywhere we go."
Yesterday, I started work as a reporting intern with the Staten Island Advance. There are not many people in this world who can say that they have become the person they always wanted to be. Since I was a little girl, all I've ever wanted to do was write. The Mount has helped me to achieve this goal. It's because of people like everyone in this room that I was given the opportunity that my parents wished they could have given me.
This is my one chance to thank you all-- my teachers, my administrators, and you generous individuals, who are the reason that I am standing up here today. Thank you all, from my parents. Thank you, from me.
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